So I turned 35 this week. Shouldn’t be a big deal, right? I mean, I have two wonderful children, a successful job, a loving husband, and we just moved into a gorgeous new house with a huge backyard and pool in time for the good weather to finally come. So why can’t I stop thinking about how much I dread this age?
As a mom, I feel like so many of the “little” things start to weigh more heavily on you. For instance, when you find out your eldest child is not doing well at school and you keep hearing all of the “bad” things they are doing. Even though I spoke to the teacher several times on the phone, talked to directors, worked on it at home with our own behavior chart, it still bugs me how its all going down. Yes, my eldest can be a pain in the tush, I realize, but I can’t stop ruminating about the seemingly little things the teacher keeps bringing to my attention. My youngest appears to be regressing from trying potty training. Refusal to go on the potty is an understatement. Try defiantly looking at me while grunting a poop out and screaming “no!” when I try to rush them to the potty is more like it. It shouldn’t bother me, because yes, diapers are easier than potty training, but it does bother me. They were SO interested and then now they aren’t. Will they be this defiant with other things as well? Is it the terrible twos? (God help me.) Which leads me the next piece. I turned 35.
I was dreading it. I realize now I only have 5 more years to my scary age, 40. (I figure once you hit 40, everything is downhill after that, so 50, 60, and 70 are nothing.) But in addition to that, I start to put together the things that I wanted to have achieved by 35.
1) Higher position at my job. With two small children, I can’t possibly do this.
2) Have more mommy time. Ha. Haha. See #1’s reason.
3) Find the home of my dreams. (Ok, successfully did that. Score one for the good guys.)
4) Expanded my friends to include more mommy friends to help with the monotony of playdates. (Ok, so I achieved this a bit, but it’s tough once you get older!)
5) Married the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after. (Ok, again, I did this. Our marriage could always use work – who’s couldn’t? – but he is the biggest supporter of anything I do, and helps me get through the toughest times.)
6) Have three kids. I have two, but for whatever reason, I had it in my head at an early age that I wanted three. Here comes the questions: shouldn’t I just be happy with two? Did I start too late? Sigh.
7) Reached a point of fitness I could feel proud of. (Due to the fact that I barely have enough time to shower, get my work done, breathe, I doubt I will ever get here. I’ve come to terms with it. Sort of.)
8) Take vacations with and without my family. I have a long standing trip to take to my sister’s down south by myself, which is great mommy time. But we need to work on the family (and couples) vacations. We just don’t take them enough!
9) Continued a strong relationship with my extended family. Not always possible, with all of the things that get in the way. Yes, I’m not far from them (only about 1.5 hours from my parents house and my extended family), but everything always gets in the way.
10) I can’t even think right now. That’s what I hoped to achieve by 40: to have a brain that doesn’t forget as much. Hahahahaha. Ha. Ha.
So this is why I freak out about getting to 40. All of the things that keep getting in my way of feeling human, being happy, and the nagging thoughts that I am missing something. Sigh. The countdown is on.