A first for me

Today was a first for me in motherhood.  No, it wasn’t that my kid walked for the first time or said their first word.  It was that I didn’t stress out about staying home with my sick child.  Yep, that’s it.  It seems small, but believe me, for someone who battles depression and anxiety and appears to be riddled with mommy guilt at the most random (and not) times, it’s actually a big deal.

When my eldest started acting weird yesterday, I knew something wasn’t right.  I checked temperature, asked the usual questions, but nothing.  We’ve all had colds and felt crappy lately, and with a few nights in a row of being out late and not napping or resting, I figured that it had finally caught up with them.  I went to bed not really anticipating anything, or worrying, or thinking about anything at all.  That in and of itself is a huge deal.  I usually analyze and anticipate for hours before, and prep my day “just in case”, which makes me not sleep much if at all.  But this time, I went to sleep right away and didn’t dream or wake up thinking anything.

When they crawled into bed with me this morning, burning up, I didn’t even think twice.  My husband got the thermometer, and I called in.  I sent a message to some coworkers and then promptly cuddle back into bed with them.  What I didn’t do, was stress out.  There is usually a long conversation with my husband with several volleys back and forth as to who can stay home or not and why or why not, and sometimes it even escalates into disgruntled arguments about whose job is more important and why.  But we didn’t have any of that.  He took care of our younger child, bringing them to school, packing lunch, getting them dressed and I snuggled back into bed with my little sickie.

Again, I realize that this is nothing compared to other firsts for mothers.  I wouldn’t diminish anything else that is more amazing for anyone; everyone is different.  But for me, to not stress about something like this, well, it’s little victories.  I’m a little more triumphant today.

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