Freeze time

I wanted to freeze time today.  I stood on our deck in the backyard, overlooking my two littles playing with their swing set.  They were on their bellies, running and jumping on their swings, screaming at each other the sweet nothings of childhood.  It was truly a moment.  They are truly little buddies, but I guess being 22 months apart might do that to you.  Regardless, it made me stop and think about all of the other times that I wanted to freeze time and enjoy them for what they are.

When my eldest said “night night” for the first time.  I went to close their door for bedtime, and I hear it, clear as day.  “Nigh nigh.”  I wanted to stand in the room forever, revelling in the sweet amazing sounds of their little voice.

Anytime my youngest tells my eldest they love them.  It’s the sweetest sound to a mother’s ears.  Especially when there are the times that the two of them bug the shit out of each other, but then my youngest stops and hugs my eldest, and says, “I love you.”  I want to cry.

It frustrates me when people always say, “enjoy them now, because it will go by too quickly.”  Believe me, I know.  My eldest is going to kindergarten in the fall, it’s going too freaking fast.  And I don’t know how much MORE I can truly enjoy it than I already am.   It almost makes me feel guilty for not doing more, saying more, spending more, whatever MORE there is, because I can’t seem to jam it in enough and enjoy it enough, according to these people who have already been through it.  Stop making me feel guilty about it, I already do.  I am a working mother, trying to balance my work life and my personal life, which includes so many factors I feel bad for even using the bathroom without  my kids in tow.  So yes, I am enjoying it.  Every goddamn minute of it.  And I want to freeze it all to take with me everywhere I go.

I don’t want to hear about the “one day”‘s that people tell me, or my eldest talking about the “next” thing they will do when they advance in age.  I want to enjoy them playing together, side by side, swinging carefree and happily shouting to each other silly childhood games that make them smile, squeal and laugh with such glee I can’t help but smile myself.

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