EVERYONE has those days. There isn’t one parent out there who can say that every single day, 24/7, that they want to be a mom or dad all the time. You get frustrated, or you’re tired, or fed up, or everything, or you just can’t do it for no reason at all. But does anyone tell their kids that they can’t do it? They just can’t hack being a mom for that day? Well, I do.
Being pregnant again, I feel as though a train hit me head on. I am tired all the time, I have constant headaches, and although I don’t feel nauseated anymore in the all day “mourning” sickness (by mourning, I mean mourning the inability to drink wine at the witching hour), the everyday tasks like making dinner and putting the kids to bed are like marathons I don’t have any preparation for all of a sudden. I mean, there were times before I just couldn’t hack it but I sucked it up and pretended. Now, I don’t pretend. And I find myself saying, “go play” or “leave mommy with some time to herself” or even “go away” at times.
I love my kids, I do. I make sure to give them attention when they need it, milestones, etc. I am attentive when I need to be. But when they are being little assholes, or really whiny, or crying because they can’t put a game together (just happened, literally, to my five year old), I sometimes just can’t deal. Does that make me less of a mom? Hell no. It makes me honest.
At five and three, they may not appreciate my honesty right now. They don’t get it, because they just know that mommy doesn’t want to do that puzzle again or I suggest we stay inside and watch a tv show instead of going outside because I am so exhausted from work that I can’t do it. And I tell them when they ask. “Why not, mommy?” Because mommy is tired. Mommy has a headache. Mommy can’t deal with your whiny-ness. Mommy’s on the phone, can you go away?
I feel bad, for a moment, when I wonder, am I screwing up my kids? Am I making them feel unloved, unwanted? Then my youngest loses the random seashell the size of a gnat they found at school in their carseat and my oldest hears the air conditioning rattling their vent in their room, and they are bawling and I realize, no, I am only human. Honesty is the best policy, isn’t it?