I am not a perfect mom, and now I have proof.

I had my first big meltdown of this pregnancy yesterday.  Yes, I am almost 8 months pregnant, so I am just as surprised as you that I haven’t cracked sooner.  Honestly, this has been the easiest pregnancy ever – I apologize to those of you who have had tougher pregnancy, but I’ve been there with my other two.  In any case, I have been floating along on a river of bliss laced with chocolate and Cheetos.  Then, I hit a mommy fail.

It was the perfect storm.  I know I planned too much in one day, but still, I thought I could do it as any mom thought they might.  I got out of work on time, but stopped at a wake for a former coworker’s dad.  Then, I hightailed it to pick up my youngest first, and then my eldest to try and get my eldest to karate in time.  Traffic, rainy weather, my youngest dragging their feet and my eldest being more tough to find at aftercare made it not possible.  As we climbed into the car, I looked at the clock.  4:44.  Karate started at 4:45, and was only a half hour, and was at the LEAST 10 minutes away.  I sighed in defeat.  I prepped my eldest.  “We aren’t going to make karate, honey.”  My eldest responded with a quick “ok” and seemed unfazed.  Meanwhile, I lost it.

As I desperately tried my husband’s office phone and then his cell, I immediately burst into tears.  Trying to keep my sobs to a minimum, I blindly drove home.  My two kids in the backseat were quiet except for my youngest saying, “Mommy, are you sad because we missed karate?”  I could barely choke out a “yes” and made it home in shambles.  After I couldn’t get through to my husband, I called my mom sobbing.  Once I convinced her I was okay and so was the baby, I was able to sob out that I was scared.

Even though it was the perfect storm, it made me realize:  I was unsure if I was able to take on a newborn and another child.  If I couldn’t get my eldest to karate on time, how the hell was I going to take care of three children with all of the extras??  What the fuck was I thinking?  And I completely freaked out.  Luckily my mom was able to calm me down, and then I went to prenatal yoga, and then had a great conversation with my husband.  I still have that niggling feeling that I won’t be able to handle it.  That I will let my kids down, that I will not be able to handle it, that I will crack again.

I can chalk this up to hormones and trying to be the perfect mom.  I am still scared shitless, but I know I have a great support system.  I have less than 10 weeks before #3 arrives, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I will have another adjustment period.  I won’t be able to do everything for everyone, and I need to come to terms with that.  I will never be perfect.  I never claimed to be.  I think that’s a good start to acceptance.

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