It’s not the breastfeeding that gets me

So the newest addition is a little over two weeks old at this point.  I was thinking that she might have the milk/soy allergy like my other two did.  We already had her poo tested and it came back negative, but the doc is being VERY supportive considering our history with the other two.  “We can test it every week if necessary” she told me.  The baby’s tummy issues aren’t getting better, even with using Mylecon.  Until I hear otherwise, I am breastfeeding.  And it sucks.

Believe me, I’m not unhappy about the feeding part.  The baby did SO well from the beginning.  I got lucky, I guess.  The first time around, I didn’t have a clue what to do, and it took awhile to figure out the latching part (for both of us).  Once we figured it out together, I didn’t want to give it up.  I dug in my heels big time when the doc told me it was a milk/soy thing, and that I would have to change my diet or switch to the high test formula.  When I finally gave in at around the 3 month mark, I was so upset I had trouble getting over it.  With my second, we found out earlier.  It was only about the 1 month mark, and with a 22 month old at home, I couldn’t care less.  The doctor was again so supportive, and didn’t push the issue of changing my diet at all.  She signed on for the high test formula immediately, and I gave up the breastfeeding and pump quickly and easily.  My middle child had taken to breastfeeding so easily you thought I’d be super upset about having to give it up.  Nope.  I was a-ok with it.

Now onto #3.  Again, she figured it out on her own almost immediately.  From the start in the hospital, she figured out latching, ate great (no snacking) and made it very easy on me even though the beginning hurt until my nipples healed.  So why am I so ready to give it up and I am hoping for formula??

It’s not the feeding.  Yes, it can be tedious, especially when she “plays” around or just uses me to bear down for a bowel movement or release gas.  Or when she’s adjusting to a new amount and has to feed for a little longer.  To be honest, the worst part is the timing and how I perceive my day.  I find that instead of enjoying my maternity time with her, I am counting my day off to when the next feeding is and how many more feedings we have until bedtime and then how much sleep I can get…and frankly, it sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely a planner.  I like to know what’s happening when and for how long and if I can anticipate things, I like to be able to plan around them.  But when I am planning everything out based on feeding and when I’m going to be able to relax and get something done or shower or get dressed and it continues all day and I’m anticipating it over and over until I have to go to bed, it makes the day even MORE tedious.  It makes me think ahead to the next feeding, and how much time I have, and then I feel like my day is ruined because of it.

Does this happen to anyone else?  I feel like I should be enjoying every minute of it (like everyone always says) but when I am thinking in this frame of mind of one feeding to the next, I can’t help but feel like I am trudging through my days.  It’s frustrating.  Formula feeding is easier.  I feel like I can just get the formula ready and it’s more like clockwork but I know we can get in and get out and be done.  We can be more mobile, too.  With or without formula, I’m hoping I can try to change my frame of mind and enjoy the rest of my time off with her.

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