8 reasons why I won’t have sex with you tonight.

  1.  I am just too fucking tired.  I have had a long day (week, month, quarter) and I just can’t even think about taking my clothes off for more than getting into comfy clothes and passing out, face-down in my bed.  I’m sorry, but it’s just NOT happening.
  2. I’ve reached the point of no return.  We probably had a chance, perhaps, 1 hour ago.  I was feeling fiesty, sexy, so amazing when that random girl told me that my dress from Old Navy ($15, on sale, #winning) was cute.  Two or three drinks in, yes.  I was on my game.  Now?  I’m tired.  Sweet.
  3. Your moves aren’t doing it for me.  I know, I know, I usually LOVE when you grab my ass and say somewhat sexy things to me.  We’ve got our routine down pat.  Or when you simply shed your clothes.  It’s hot, and I really do want to have sex with you when you do that (no sarcasm, I swear!) But tonight, I just can’t.
  4. I can still hear our youngest talking in their bed.  What is it about the kid’s bedtime that automatically makes both of us fiesty and ready to go?  Sometimes we even can’t keep our hands to ourselves before the kids are in bed.  But for some reason, our youngest chatting to their stuffed animals or singing “row row row your boat!” doesn’t do it for me tonight.
  5. I really do have a lot of work I have left to do.  There are times where I try to get everything done at work, and there are times where no amount of work during the day has ANY effect on anything else.  You know the days: where you feel like you work from the second you get to work, you can’t stop moving your feet but you’re not really going anywhere or getting anything accomplished.  So even though you are looking at me with those “bedroom eyes”, my computer’s screen is shining brightly (and accusingly) at me, and I can’t ignore it.
  6. I really am sick.  It’s not one of those, “honey, I have a headache” nights.  It’s legit.  I can’t breathe out of my nose, my stomach feels like I’m going to explode on the toilet, and my head really is pounding.  So the thought of putting anything other than Flonase, Advil or Tums into my body makes me want to curl up in a corner and hide.
  7. I just gave birth less than 2 months ago.  Yes, I got the “ok” from my OB, which I have no idea what it means beyond my vag is in working order.  Will it feel the same?  I don’t know.  Am I thinking about putting something in there even though something the size of a watermelon just recently came out of it?  Hells to the no.  (And after you SAW it happen, I can’t even imagine you even WANT to have sex with me!)
  8. I don’t have any other good reasons.  Honest.  I love you, I do.  And I have been super horny lately, truly (I’m not lying there!)  But for whatever reason, I just can’t muster up enough feeling to want to get up and take my clothes off.  I don’t have a good reason not to, but I don’t have the energy to tell you that.

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