And so I have found myself at my last day of maternity leave. I am beside myself. I don’t know what to do first. I felt bad, too, because I was so upset that I took it out on my husband this morning. I normally don’t see him mornings because if the baby wakes up at 3 or 4, then I am back in bed asleep with them until after he leaves with the older two. But last night, the baby slept great – from 8 until 5:30! – (which doesn’t make it easier to go back to work but anyway) so I was up when he was getting ready for work. He is taking over on paternity leave next week when I return to work. He made a comment about how stressful today would be, because they are restructuring at work and while he is out, they will be transitioning his position. Instead of feeling bad for him, I turned it back on me. This was my last day, for chrissakes, and that is stressful enough!
With my first, I wasn’t ready to go back, but since they weren’t going to daycare right away and we had family coming to care for them, I eased back in. For our second, I was ready to go. Drop them off at daycare. (*dusts hands off*) But this one, I can’t decide. I am happy for my husband to take over my duties at home, but I am going to miss this baby so much. Is it because it’s our last? Is it because it’s currently snowing out and I would rather hibernate for another six weeks like the groundhog? Is it because I haven’t checked in with my replacement at work so I haven’t a clue where I am at when I go back on Monday? I choose D, all of the above.
I have already gotten texts and emails wishing me the best on my last day home. I feel like I should be doing more. Or less. Do I nap with the baby? Do I just sit on my tush and watch good bad tv? Do I go out because I won’t have the opportunity to once reality sets back in? It’s like I don’t know where to begin or what makes the most sense. And I feel like no matter what I do I am going to regret it when the day is over with.
So as other women have done many, many times all over the U.S., I will go back to the hustle and bustle of the world and get shocked with reality come Monday leaving my baby behind. Today I will relish the sweet baby smell (baby Chanel, a close friend once called it) and cuddle their little body as close as they will let me while my emotions roller coaster all of the place. I feel bad for my husband when he gets home…