The last day

And so I have found myself at my last day of maternity leave.  I am beside myself.  I don’t know what to do first.  I felt bad, too, because I was so upset that I took it out on my husband this morning.  I normally don’t see him mornings because if the baby wakes up at 3 or 4, then I am back in bed asleep with them until after he leaves with the older two.  But last night, the baby slept great – from 8 until 5:30! – (which doesn’t make it easier to go back to work but anyway) so I was up when he was getting ready for work.  He is taking over on paternity leave next week when I return to work.  He made a comment about how stressful today would be, because they are restructuring at work and while he is out, they will be transitioning his position.  Instead of feeling bad for him, I turned it back on me.  This was my last day, for chrissakes, and that is stressful enough!

With my first, I wasn’t ready to go back, but since they weren’t going to daycare right away and we had family coming to care for them, I eased back in.  For our second, I was ready to go.  Drop them off at daycare. (*dusts hands off*)  But this one, I can’t decide.  I am happy for my husband to take over my duties at home, but I am going to miss this baby so much.  Is it because it’s our last?  Is it because it’s currently snowing out and I would rather hibernate for another six weeks like the groundhog?  Is it because I haven’t checked in with my replacement at work so I haven’t a clue where I am at when I go back on Monday?  I choose D, all of the above.

I have already gotten texts and emails wishing me the best on my last day home.  I feel like I should be doing more.  Or less.  Do I nap with the baby?  Do I just sit on my tush and watch good bad tv?  Do I go out because I won’t have the opportunity to once reality sets back in?  It’s like I don’t know where to begin or what makes the most sense.  And I feel like no matter what I do I am going to regret it when the day is over with.

So as other women have done many, many times all over the U.S., I will go back to the hustle and bustle of the world and get shocked with reality come Monday leaving my baby behind.  Today I will relish the sweet baby smell (baby Chanel, a close friend once called it) and cuddle their little body as close as they will let me while my emotions roller coaster all of the place.  I feel bad for my husband when he gets home…


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